Where I’m at

I decided I would write up a quick post to record the place I’m in at the moment, even though that place has little to do with girls.

Last week I broke up with all the girls I am currently involved with, for various reasons. As a result I am not currently getting laid, and for once I don’t feel the urge to change that. That doesn’t bother me, and I’m way more focused on other things at the moment – namely, getting getting as good at jiu jitsu and climbing as possible, grounding myself in economics, and doing some wider reading relating to my phd.

I think at some point, everyone who enters the community to ‘fix and improve themself’ needs to take the leap of faith in leaving it. You are fine as you are” You don’t need to push yourself all the time. You can relax and enjoy yourself.

That is the point I’m at right now. Spending my weekends chasing girls and hanging out on watsapp groups full of determined (and lets be honest, kinda weird) pussy chasers was not making me feel like the man I wanted to be. Its time for me to move away from the pua identity.

Having said that, I do have a couple of female prospects – one that I quite like, and one that I could take or leave.

Inner game continues to be of huge interest to me. I have a few posts on that theme that I might put up; they’ll be depressing to read, so to those who actually read this, CONSIDER YOURSELF WARNED!

I’ve got a lot of good friends who are good at persuading me to go out and game, so I guess I’ll still hit the streets anyway, but my urge to meet women has dropped off. No idea how long that’ll last.

Also, I do want to focus on getting more quality people in my life (male or female), so meeting people is still something I’ll be very open to.

I’m quite comfortable with where I’m at at the moment. But, I think that in terms of socializing and pulling girls, I haven’t reached my potential, so I certainly see myself returning to more cold approach in the future.

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Inner game issues

One of my goals this year is to sort out my inner game. I’m not there yet.

Success in such a task is elusive. Most guys in the game learn to approach, develop confidence from an ‘abundance mentality’, and call it good. That was me last year. For the first time in my life, I was regularly banging multiple girls. With four girls on rotation – each and everyone one of them hotter than any girl I’d slept with at any point in my life – of course I was feeling confident.

Naive is me. I’d treated the symptoms, not the cause.

In a matter of weeks, all four girls – for various reasons – dropped out of rotation. I got busy with uni and didn’t have time to approach. As the week’s went by, I had a string of bad dates, which I failed to get anything out of. At the same time, I had an ego investment in being ‘a guy that pulls’. I started to get unsettled – ‘C’mon, I need another lay, where’s it gonna come from’ I’d think, much like an addict who’s run out of crack. I lowered my standards and pulled a couple of times, but it felt like pouring water into a leaky bucket.

To that end, I’ve been working on my inner game. Call it deep inner game. Trying to ferret out those issues that are buried under layers of detritus due to avoiding them in the first place. I’ve found two points that are inhibiting my self-worth.

  1. The belief that I’m not worth having people spend their time on helping me. I tend to suffer my problems in silence, thinking that people would not want to assist me, and that I should sort shit out on my own. Of course such an attitude is not all bad – its taught real self-reliance, but its a self-worth problem.
  2. I have the belief that I’m not an interesting person to talk to. This arose from me being extremely quiet and shy in my younger years. I could never think of something to say to people. If I did have something to say, I’d be cautious about expressing it, out of fear it wouldn’t be taken well.

Mission is to overcome these problems. Likely, other issues exist that I’m not consciously aware of yet. Inner reflection is important.

Right now I’m in another dry patch. But I feel alright about it; I don’t have the sense of urgency to slay new pussy that I had last year.

Stuck in a rut

Pick up wise, this year hasn’t been that fun for me. It started off with a bang (another one for you Brok), with me taking home two new girls in the first few days of the year.

Since then: nothing (bar some BJs off a girl that wouldn’t sleep with me if I wasn’t gonna commit). Its really dampened my enthusiasm for hitting the the streets. On top of that, when I have gone out to meet women, I’ve been getting lots of flakes.

Compare that to last year: Daygame really fun and novel – sometimes confronting too. Getting numbers frequently, and very rarely getting flakes. Sleeping with a new girl every few weeks. In short: Exciting and new

I feel that its my date-game that is letting me down.

Its damned frustrating, and its turning into a negative feedback loop:

Not getting laid on dates ——> Lack of enthusiasm for daygame ——> Girls sensing that I’m not that keen on them ——> Flakes

Throughout my life, there has been a theme of me becoming reasonably competent at my hobbies (skate boarding, climbing, making beer) during the ‘newbie gains’ phase, and then giving up at the first plateau. \

This will not be one of those times. I need to snap out of it, put in the hard yards, and overcome this.

How to do get that daygame vigour back? I suspect a couple of lays with some exotic foreign birds would do it.

Goals for 2014

2013 was a big year of change for me. Like many guys getting started in the community, I’ve experienced the wild ride of the daygame rollercoaster. Life will not be the same again. I’ve spent January thinking about where I’d like to go in 2014. I didn’t want these to be rash decision made at 11:30 on NYE after 3 bottles of wine, so I’ve taken my time to think about them, and how I’ll go about achieving them.

Fitness: Get a 6 pack. This is my vain, fun goal for 2014. How to go about it: I don’t think this one will be as hard as I’d originally thought. I more or less stopped drinking about two or three months ago, and looking in the mirror, I’m not too far off a six pack already. I work out three to four times and week, and rock climb as well. I’ll add some more core specific stuff to my routines. I’ll also look into my diet a bit more. I eat well, but not totally sure exactly what I should be aiming for in terms of carbs/protein/etc, so I’ll talk to a guy I know who is a nutritionist and has the same goal for some advice. The diet that a lot of fitness guys reccomend seems to be all protein, and I don’t think this would be good for me… I think I’d lose energy without some carbs in there.

Girls: Originally I was planning on setting myself the goal of sleeping with twenty new women in 2014. However, I don’t want to always be chasing that next lay. That leads to a dark life and a lot of putting up with subpar women. I’m also opening myself up to the idea of a relationship again, so I’m not convinced that this is the right girl for me. I’ll keep thinking about where I want to go with this one.

I would like to integrate women and daygame into my life. This means talking to, say 10 new girls a week without going out of my way (ie not doing marathon daygame sessions). I pass through the cbd every day, so this shouldn’t be hard for me to do. Its all mindset, and being ready to pull the trigger and approach without a moment’s hesitation.

Social Circle: I would like to greatly expand my social circle. If there is one thing I can accomplish in 2014, this is it! I have a bunch of friends, but they’re all scattered. They don’t know each other, and I don’t belong to a group that goes out and does shit together. So I’d to develop a group of guys and girls to do shit with more often. Not really sure how to go about this one. (I do realise I’m a bit of an introvert, and I’m cool with that. I might never be the ultimate popular alpha dude, but that doesn’t mean there’s no room for improvement).

I know some guys who are great at making connections with people wherever they go. Social networking if you will. I’d jealous of their ability. The two key things that these guys have in common is that they are confident, and they are interested in what other people have to say. Thats a good starting point.

Introspection: I’ve been doing some introspection lately and realised that I have some personal issues that I need to deal with. You could call it inner game problems. I suspect that this will be the hardest goal for me to achieve, because I find these issues elusive. The two big issues that I want to work on:

1. I still feel that I don’t deserve some of the top tier girls. This is, IMO, ridiculous.

2. I have issues with other peoples success (its difficult for me to come to terms with this). Though I’m glad when my friends achieve somehow, there’s also a bitter side to me, where I feel that that there success somehow subtracts from my own achievements. This is a pretty toxic characteristic.

Finance: I don’t earn a whole lot, now that I’m back at uni. I’m very happy if I can save $100 a week. But I do have a fair bit of money saved up, which I should be doing more with. Lately I’ve been being stressing about money a lot – this is not good for my happiness and vibe. So my finance goals for 2014 are

1. Learn about personal finance, do the most with my savings that I can.

2. Improve my budgeting, so that I’m spending less than I earn each week, whilst still enjoying the lifestyle I’m accustomed too. Ultimately, I don’t want to stress over money. I want to reduce my spending on the ‘fundamentals’ of my life so that, when I do want to spend big on a holiday or a big night out, then I don’t need to worry about finding the cash for it. I don’t mind being poor, but I do not want extra stress in my life (my PhD gives me enough of that already).

3. (Optional) Find additional income streams. I have some ideas for this, I’ll flesh them out in the future. Probably some lair guys can tell me if they’re worth pursuing, or just pipe dreams.

Lifestyle: I want to travel overseas twice this year. Its been ages since I went anywhere. I’ve already booked a flight to Korea, so thats a good start. My parents live in India at the moment, so I’m keen to head over there later in the year.

I also want to improve my public speaking. How to go about it? Give talks on my research at uni. Join toastmasters.

I’m going to go into more detail with each of these goals in the future.

Ugggggh

Been in a massive rut lately. Really shit.

All of my regulars have slowly dropped out of rotation – various reasons:

  • China #1: Getting too attached, decided to let her down as gently as possible. Went ok.
  • China #2: WEnt overseas for a holiday, unsure of her status as she saw me on a date with another babe, and seems a bit (but not too much) pissed. Will reassess on her return.
  • Italy: Blew up in my face and said she didn’t want to see me again. Ever. Started txting me the next day, so she’ll probably come round.
  • Hong Kong: On a big holiday.

Yes I’m aware I need more non-Asians.

So no regular sex for the first time in a while. On top of that, I’ve had a string of shitty dates, not even getting makeouts. Two things that I’ve identified that are causing this:

  1. I’m too confident with my daygame? I am choosy with my daygame. Because my daygame is way better than my dategame, I struggle to convert dates to lays?
  2. My conversation on dates can be very boring. I jump around on topics all the time, cos I can’t let a single strand of conversation flow. This is a big socialising problem for me. I should be more present. To fix this, my new rule is that in any conversation, I won’t let myself jump around from between discrete topics. Continuity is key:

This is ok:

Me: How’s your day been?

Her: I went shopping and bought a new pair of jeans

Me: Cool, you get a bargain? [or anything about jeans, shopping, retail, something I just bought, etc, etc – basically letting it flow]

This isn’t:

Me: How’s your day been?

Her: I went shopping and bought a new pair of jeans

Me: Cool, so what music you into.

The above is a basic example. The idea is to never overtly change the topic. Think of it like a river. It can change direction slightly, but it can’t suddenly jump from one place to another. That’s the idea anyway.

Plugging the gaps in my daygame

Last update on my game here.

Firstly – nightgame. Best thing for me to do is just keep throwing myself into sets.

My daygame is full steam ahead. My model is going really well, but there’s still a few chinks in my armour, allowing girls to slip through. I’ll spend the next few months working on them. I reckon a few weeks on each item, and I should be grabbing 20% more numbers.

My daygame model

My daygame model

Ploughing: Upon getting into game, one thing became apparent: I’m a pushover. I lack persistence when it comes to persuading others. Ploughing is a battle of wills – a frame push if you will. She wants to go on with her day… you want her to keep talking to her. Time to strengthen my frame. I’m already making progress with this – see the first approach from this post

Charisma: Not sure how I’ll work on this one… maybe some public speaking videos. Maybe toastmasters. Maybe Roosh’s Seinfeld method.

Investing her: The idea is to get the girl to carry the conversation a bit more. I’ll need to make the conversation more constant (not jumping from topic to topic). Then let silences develop, and let the girl fill them.

Not taking responsibility for the N-close: Keep talking until she leaves or asks for my number. The idea is to really find out how much I’m making these girls like me. How much do they want me in their life?

Obviously the last two points will result in a dip in the number of closes I’m getting. That’s ok. I can always rustle up more numbers. Just like the weightlifter who drops down his weight to work on technique, the idea is to bounce back stronger than ever. This may result in a blow to the ego… but daygame = ego death. Its nothing I can’t handle.

What is holding me back?

Today I met an ex-colleague for lunch. I was five minutes early, so started chatting to a Chinese girl, then told her to come get a coffee with me at the place I was meeting my mate. Grabbed her number when he arrived. Later I headed off after work to see a psychologist, and on my way back to the city, caught up with a couple wings. On the way I did an approach, girl turned out to be bitchy. With my wings, I did two approaches that went nowhere (first I wasn’t interested, second I ejected, wasn’t in the right headspace). We ran into Comatose, and whilst chatting one of my wings pointed out a flaunty blonde. Grabbed her number – too easy. 2s later saw a lovely Pakistani girl, and took her number, with a couple of tradies watching. Again, easy.

So six sets and three numbers, barely going out of my way to approach either. I can’t date that many girls.

Still I’m not getting laid as much as I should be.

Why? Approaching and number closing is not a problem for me (nightgame a different story, lets focus on daygame for the moment). The girls usually respond to my first txt (at least 90%). I come across sexual, I doubt I’m getting friend zoned. But somewhere between txting and f-closing I am losing girls. Where (at what stage) do these girls disappear off my radar.

The solution isn’t getting more numbers. The solution is working smarter. Figuring out my weaknesses, and sorting them out. Some ideas:

  • Txting… sometimes I try to do much, and lose the set
  • Bad logistics for first date. Ie She’s down to meet, but our schedules don’t align. I’m wary of seeming to needy, so I don’t push that hard (knowing that I can always get more numbers makes me put very little effort into meeting a girl I barely know… thats good and bad… its like an overabundance mentality!). So I’ll pursue a bit harder.
  • Shit date game. A big one for me I reckon, and will take a lot of work to improve. Probably fixed not through more dates but through just being more personable, more time being social. IE lots of time and effort to make up for 20 years of not being social.
  • Not putting enough effort in pursuing girls that I had an ‘only OK’ first date with (particularly when they’re just a quick coffee… I shouldn’t judge girls’ receptiveness after only an hour).

Would be great to get more feedback with my dategame. Escalate too fast? Too logical? Too boring? Not enough edge to my personality (ie too agreedable… nice guy syndrome). I don’t know.

I’ll start a spreadsheet to track my stats for every girl I close, to see at what point I don’t get laid the most. Maybe I’ll make a cool pie chart or something.

Worker smarter, not harder. Figure out your weaknesses and train them to be strengths. Words to live by.

I’d like to know other guys (at the same daygame level… roughly a strong intermediate) number to full close conversion ratio. I’ve had 6 daygame closes. Been daygaming for about 6 months. If we say on average 2.5 numbers per week , that is about 75 numbers. So my conversion rate is 1 in 12? TBH, I was expecting it to be higher, at least 1 in 20. I’ve probably taken way more than 75 numbers all up.

Mind is blown

This is today’s theme song

That giddy feeling you get from pushing yourself beyond what you believed possible. Its been a constant companion since I started daygaming.

Whoa! Is this possible? Am I doing this?

Love it.

Two sets from daygame today that smashed through my (already fairly liberal) preconceptions:

1. Slim local Japanese girl, with long hair, long legs, and a bit of a strut. Classic example of a girl who is hot and knows it. There were just so many times (I’ll number them) where it could have fallen apart. I’m stoked I kept it going as long as I did.

I opened commandingly (#1. I think she would have steam rolled me if I’d done anything less) – something I need to do more often… I’m often a bit wishy-washy. Something a long the lines of

I love your long hair – very nice. This is gonna sound odd, but do you know, the colour of your shorts reminds me of these blueberry milkshakes my Mum used to make when I was a kid.

Props to Krauser there. She’s IOIing hard, but also about to walk off – clearly she has somewhere to be (#2). I tell her she looks Chinese, and she says she’s from Japan, which we discuss. She tells me I should visit (we’ll call that another IOI). Felt like I rolling into comfort territory a bit too quickly so added in some teasing, then back to the getting-to-know-you game.

At this point her phone starts ringing, and its her boyfriend. Nuts! I’m thinking ‘game over’. She wants to answer (#3), but I tell her to call him back in a couple of minutes, and she accepts. More chatting, and the boyfriend calls again (#4). So I say the same thing, and she relents once more. Internally I’m really pleased with my dominance… big improvement. Another minute or two of conversation, and I tell her we should grab coffee sometime next week. She seems to consider it, but in the end she doesn’t want to upset her boyfriend. Fair enough, if she likes him she should stay with him.

So yes, I didn’t close, but its still more or less the best set I’ve done. I’ve had sets that have of course go much smoother than that, but they were just on from the beginning. This one was like walking a tightrope, and I didn’t fall off until the final moment. Specifically really happy with my dominance, confidence, and the technical aspects of my game.

2. Immediately after, I spot a girl who I WANT. Huge long curly hair, and long legs, she looks vaguely Eastern European. Love it. However, she’s hanging out with an older woman, presumably her mother. I wouldn’t normally do a mother-daughter set, but I’m so drawn to her. I’m umming and ahhing. Furthermore, I’m pretty sure they saw me chatting to the Japanese girl, because they keep glancing my way every now and then. Dj20 and Vanguard come over, and I point out the situation. Vanguard gives me an odd look, but DJ20 tells me I came out to push myself, so why not do it. Fair enough.

I’m mostly talking to the girl, and she’s IOIing – leaning in, hair stroking, and asking me questions. Later when I engage the mother, she’s IOIing (hair stroking) too. Fuck me, talk about an ego boost. I tell the mother I like her daughter, and I’d like to take her for a coffee sometime. They both give me a pleased giggle, and the girl says ok. I seriously cannot believe it, and start getting a bit shaky when I put the number in my phone.

This girl is going straight to priority no.1. Physically she’s near perfect, but her demeanor is also lovely. Any girl who is content and happy hanging out with her Mum on a Sunday arvo gets a tick in my book. She also seems very confident, and not because of her beauty. Precisely what I’m looking for.

Fantastic day!

Progress with nightgame

Been hitting the nightgame pretty hard over the past couple of weeks.

Progress has been made. I’m now regularly opening sets… probably about 5 per night. I’m drinking a lot less, which has all sorts of benefits. Its more confronting, but also healthier, gives me more confidence, better for the bank account, and doesn’t ruin the following day. No more wasting time in ques either (which was a good form of approach avoidance – lol). I will now save boozing for when I’m hanging with my good friends.

A lot of my sets tend to go absolutely nowhere. Ie. I open, get a non-committal response from girl, then eject. I put this down to

  • A lack of confidence in the nightgame environment – I’m sub-communicating that I don’t expect them to talk to me. To be fixed by doing more sets, and by becoming more natural at banter and vibing in a club.
  • Giving off a ‘creepy-pua’ vibe. Not sure about this one. Can be caused by value scanning the room. I think I should socialise with more mixed sets and guy sets, to just have fun.

Over the weekend (two nights out), I got three make-outs. I ‘think’ I’m a shit night-gamer, but I guess lots of dudes would be happy with those results.

This all raises the question – do I enjoy nightgame?

Pros:

  • Cool music and dancing
  • Girls put effort into their appearance
  • Convenient way to score some fast tail
  • You can do some crazy shit
  • Fun

Cons:

  • Toxic effects on rest of life (staying out late, boozing, clubs can be expensive)
  • Its an environment slanted to take value away from men – look for the bouncer’s looking for excuses to not let you in, or throw you out once you’ve made it inside
  • It can be stressful unlike daygame (to be fair, when I started out, daygame was fucking stressful too)
  • Drunk girls are less alluring, and honestly, most of the ones I talk to, I don’t particularly wish to see again.

On the last point, this may be world-creation and projection on my part. But I believe that clubs do attract lower quality girls – by my standards. I tend to date introverts, whom I doubt make up the majority of the partying crowd. But maybe the main problem is with myself. I daygame to get dates with girls I like. I nightgame to get laid – that night. Hence, during nightgame, hotness and availability is more important to me than personality. Next time I go out, I may aim to only get numbers, not a lay, and see if the quality of girls I meet will improve.

Ultimately, I don’t want to spend my life doing shit I don’t enjoy. I leave that to every other guy, unwilling to take control of his life. I’ll tolerate nightgame for the moment, because the progress I’m making is worth it. I sincerely hope that in a couple of months, I’ll love nightgame as much as I do daygame. If not, I will give it up.

October 2013 – An analysis of my game

I consider myself an amateur gamer.  Half the time, I’m still fumbling in the dark; trying this and that technique, because maybe it will work.  But the lights are slowly coming on.  Its easy to think the progress I’ve made is minuscule.  But compare October 2012-Dan to October 2013-Dan, and the difference is staggering.  To work out how far I’ve come, and where I want to go, I’ll rate my abilities in all facets of my game.  Periodically, I’ll write similar posts.

For whats its worth, I got serious about gaming in April 2012.  So 6 months thus far*.

Daygame

Massive improvement.  Lets face it, no one ever daygames before finding out about it, so I can’t compare me-now to me-a year-ago.  But I’m really hitting my stride, particularly in the last few weeks.  I now approach any girl I want (and I feel confident enough to be picky).  I understand the structure that I want to follow with my sets, though often I don’t succeed and get bogged down in boring conversation.  In the short term, I want to work on ploughing, not ejecting, and converting Maybe-girls to Yes-girls.  4 full closes so far, and I can feel a couple of others on the horizon. 10 sets should yield 2-4 numbers.  

Nightgame

Still pretty shit.  I struggle to open sober.  I just haven’t done enough of it.  I doubt I’ll ever be a really effective nightgamer.  I’m not loud, or that keen on large groups of people.  But I like music, dancing and hanging out in bars, so I’ll stick with it.  Plus the girls are fucking hot when dressed up.  However I don’t get that much pleasure from hooking up with drunk bitches with low self-esteem.  One thing I’ll say is I’m great at reading body language and eye contact… and thus working out when its on.  This works well with my chosen game (I’m tall, dress well, not altogether ugly/out of shape – or so I’m told).  I’m basically bolder and more calibrated than I was.  2 SNLs.

Dategame

I’m happy with my dates.  I love hanging out in Melbourne with a demure young girl.  I’ve got a good range of places to go, and don’t get nervous or worry about whether a date will be awkward, because it won’t be.  I do need to get better at getting a girl back to my place for sex.  I’m also intrigued by NLP and voice tonality, and other ways to make my conversation more interesting.  I’ll be looking into this in the future.

Inner game

I’m way more confident than I’ve ever been.  I feel that I’ve got power over my life, and that my options (girls, career, etc) are open.  Having said that, I’ve not actively tried to improve my inner game, but it will be something for the future.  Meditation is on the list of things to do.

In general, I’d like to:

  • Up the asshole factor
  • Be more assertive
  • Learn to discuss academic topics whilst not boring my audience

In the last month or so, I’ve realised that the sky is the limit with daygame.  If I don’t lose my interest in it, I know that I can go a long way with it.  That’s been a pattern since finding out about game:

  1. Not believing that it works
  2. Believing that it works, but having it seem so beyond me that I could never do it.  When I talked to girls I was happy if I could keep aconversation going.  Tailoring my responses to elicit certain reactions from a girl would not happen.
  3. Understanding some basics of game, but still being lost and overwhelmed.  I would put this down to a lack of calibration.
  4. Now I realise its all just a matter of time spent in set.  I can do this.

Odin will continue the quest.

*Ok, where the fuck did 2013 go?